Dialogue
- Guidelines
Dialogue Isn't For Problem Solving
Marge & Con Terr
Dialogue
Isn't For Problem Solving...
How does it help if we DO have
an issue to discuss?
If we aren't supposed
to use dialogue for problem solving, how does dialogue help us when
we have a problem in our relationship?
Good question.
There is a serious temptation to formulate a dialogue question that
is meant to "enlighten" the other, or bring him around
to see things my way. This, of course, is manipulation, but that's
such a nasty-sounding word.
If I (Marge) am fuming about housework, I might flop into a chair
with my notebook and propose, "How do I feel when I do all
the work around here?" Which, does bring out a lot of strong
feelings but funny thing, it doesn't seem to help us become better
lovers!
So, how can I bring up a touchy subject in a way that will encourage
honest, loving communication?
In this example, what if I propose instead, "How do I feel
about the condition of our home?" We can each share feelings
about the continuum of messiness, disrepair, or Better-Homes-and-Gardens-ness
of our little nest, without stomping each other and perpetuating
the tension.
I can share my feelings, and these are not opinions of his behavior.
Using "I" statements, such as "I feel discouraged
and overwhelmed when I think there's a lot of work to do,"
help Con to understand why I look like I a Mr. Clean hit-and-run
victim. He won't be as shocked when I'm angry with the kids over
their latest glitter and spray paint art project in the living room.
I (Con) share my feelings of gratitude and comfort at seeing that
our house isn't a slip-covered showcase.
When I wrote, "Our house makes me feel welcome, like I can
relax. I'm not afraid to play with the kids on the floor or put
my feet up and read the paper once in awhile. My feeling of comfort
and welcome is like smelling the brownies you bake to surprise me,
or like suddenly finding a friend at a party where I don't know
anyone," Marge comes to know that I actually find relief in
not having everything picture-perfect.
We were able to talk about the feelings and explore what we knew
were very real differences in our attitudes toward house-work. We
didn't have to fight about who's doing all the chores or who leaves
the place a mess.
When I, Con, begin to feel the despair that my Sweetheart is experiencing
as she faces the work, I begin to look for and ask her for ways
that I can help her. I feel her despair and it affects me, even
though I don't have the same feelings about the condition of the
house
When I, Marge, shared my difficult feelings, it was a relief just
to be listened to. I didn't try to complain and make him work more.
I was pleasantly surprised that he wanted to take more responsibility
just because it matters to me.
I already knew he didn't really care if the place was a mess - that's
why this is a difficult topic. I can come out spoiling for a fight,
ready to argue that he should help, or I can tell him how I'm feeling
and let him love me.
Once we shared the feelings, I was less apprehensive about asking
for his help. When he knows how much it means to me, he's ready
to jump in whenever I ask. I still don't know why he doesn't care
if the place is a mess, though...
Dialogue
on the Feelings!
When I have a serious issue to discuss, what would help me the most?
How do I feel telling you this?
What is one thing I would like to try differently when we have an
issue to discuss? How do I feel about that?
How did I feel about the last time we solved a problem together?
What is the area that is most difficult for me to discuss with you?
What feelings come up for me?
When you bring up a topic for discussion how do I feel'?
Use
many different descriptions of your feelings:
Name the feeling.
What does it feel like physically?
What does it make you want to do?
What image does it bring to mind?
Was there a time you experienced this feeling in the past or as
a child?
Is there a song, movie scene or setting in nature that it reminds
you of?
What would it sound like or smell like - what color would it be?
What is the intensity - is it barely noticeable, or is it overpowering?
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