Dialogue
- Guidelines
How Do We Enrich the “Dialogue”
Part of Our Dialogue?
Marge & Con Terr
(Excerpted from Winter
1995 Matrimony magazine)
Dear Marge & Con,
We have been working hard on describing our feelings in our letters,
but we need advice. When it comes to dialoguing after the writing,
we just sit and look at each other’s feelings (which are
often the same), and there isn’t much to say. Dialoguing
for ten minutes on feelings seems to be a long time. What would
you recommend?
Signed,
Silent Sacrament
Dear SS,
Thanks for your letter. You have no idea how many times we've heard
this question! You are not alone. But the key is to consider the
goal of dialogue: to understand, accept, and ultimately experience
each other's feelings. You are on the right track - you suspect
there's more - and there is. You need to break the "three-minute
barrier" by continuing to talk and dig deeper for the first
three minutes. After that, you will probably both be absorbed in
the dialogue and have less trouble continuing on the feeling.
CON: The first thing that is important is to decide
whose feeling we are going to talk about. When we finish reading
each other's letters, we start our dialogue by saying back to each
other the strongest feeling we heard in the letter. Yesterday, we
dialogued on our feelings about trying to work out a budget together.
After we read our letters, the discussion went something like this:
CON: "You're saying your strongest feeling
is fear"
MARGE: "Yes, that's it. It sounds like your
strongest feeling is frustration."
CON: "Yes. I think your feeling was strongest
shall we talk about your feeling?"
MARGE: "I agree. Let's use my feeling."
CON: Now we have established that we understand
what the strongest feeling is. This sounds elementary, but I remember
some rather strained dialogues we have had because one or the other
of us didn't pick up on the strongest feeling in the letter.
MARGE: Or even worse, we each talked about our
own feeling rather than focusing on one feeling. I would say something
about my feeling and he would respond with his own feeling.
CON: That's verbal ping-pong, not dialogue. We're
each maneuvering to score points rather than listening deeply.
MARGE: When we choose my feeling to dialogue on,
I prefer to have Con start out by giving me feed back on what he's
read in my letter. It gives me a place to start when giving more
details on my feeling.
CON: So I might start with:
CON: "You described your fear as being like
not wanting to walk into a dark cave because you don't know what
will jump out at you. So, is it a fear of the unknown, or more like
a fear that we'll end up fighting?"
MARGE: “I think I' m more worried that we'll
end up fighting. The fear is avoidance. I'm afraid to face our budget
because I don’t want to wind up blaming each other for our
financial situation”.
CON: “How does the fear feel physically?”
MARGE: “It is tightness in my stomach. It's
like turning my head to avoid looking at something I don't want
to see. It's very uncomfortable and leaves me restless. I have to
find distractions.”
CON: “I can relate to that. It’s suddenly
time to mow the lawn or take the kids to the park when we're ready
to look at the budget.”
MARGE: “Yes, exactly. I’ll do anything
to get out of it.”
CON: “Can you think of a time when you recently
experienced the kind of fear you're describing?”
MARGE: “Well...I did experience the same
feeling when I dropped a fork in the oven while I was checking if
the meat was done one day last week. I started to reach in automatically
to get it, and then pulled back when I realized I would get burned.”
CON: “Okay, so it's not a "scary"
or "frightened" kind of feeling exactly. It's more like
a fear of experiencing something bad that happened to you before.
Like getting burned or experiencing rejection.”
MARGE: “That's right. The feeling is strong,
but it's fear tinged with worry or anxiety. It's a muddy grayish-brown
kind of feeling.”
CON: “I think I can picture it. When the
subject of the budget comes up, your stomach tightens and you try
not to think about it. You think about what else might need to be
done right now, instead. You worry that we've run out of money and
all there is to do is to figure out who's to blame. It must be kind
of like last year when we were waiting for them to announce the
layoffs at work. Is that right?”
MARGE: “Yes. That’s it. I feel a lot
of relief that you took the time to understand without getting angry
with me.”
CON: “I did start to feel defensive, but
I really got wrapped up in discovering more about you, and forgot
about the issue.”
MARGE: “I guess I need to look at why I am
reacting this way. I need to put aside my assumptions and attitudes
about how the discussion will go and trust that we can do the budget
lovingly. Maybe it would help if we prayed about it.”
CON: “I know how worried you are about it.
Let's set aside the time for the discussion and pray for openness
to each other before we begin. You mentioned in your letter that
you think this fear is rising out of your need to belong. It's like
we need to be on the same side of the discussion, instead of opposing
each other.”
MARGE: So, first we agreed on which feeling to
discuss, then we elaborated on the feeling until Con could reflect
back to me what his understanding was. We kept going until he could
picture it.
CON: To me, it is like being like an artist trying
to paint a picture of a scene that Marge saw when we were not together.
I ask her questions and then try to sketch the scene. Marge tells
me what is right with the picture and offers some more details to
fill in the parts that are off-target. When I finally hear her say
"Yes, that's just how it was" it's almost as if I had
been there too.
MARGE: What we have just described is the way things
go on a dialogue where the answers come easily. There are times
in when we finish reading our letters and find ourselves at a loss
for words. I remember that happening the last time we dialogued
about how we felt when the kids fight. I was feeling so alone in
my feelings. His letter told me how differently he felt and I was
sure we were headed for another frustrating fight where nothing
would be any clearer than it was before.
CON: That was a tough dialogue for me, too. I felt
a lot of pressure to say something intelligent. My first reaction
was to start problem solving or to try to analyze the feeling by
asking if it reminded her of something from her childhood.
MARGE: That kind of response leaves me feeling
frustrated and defensive. I'm afraid I'm going to have to justify
the feeling.
CON: I can understand that. Sometimes I feel the
same way. It really helps me when you start with something reassuring
like "It looks like our feelings are very different in this
area. I want to understand your feeling better."
MARGE: That helps me, too. It also helps me a lot
to have physical contact. When we are sitting face to face and holding
hands, it softens my defensiveness and reminds me that I am talking
to my lover.
CON: Even with love and patience there are times
when we get stuck. That's when the "hot pen" technique
gets translated to the "hot lips" technique. I try to
keep asking questions, even if it isn't certain that they are well
focused. Often, somewhere along the line we start to connect and
get back together. I have to admit that this is pretty scary for
me. I am an analyzer and an answer man. It isn't easy to ask questions
when I don't know where they will lead.
MARGE: Sometimes the questions leave me feeling
uneasy, too. I don't always see the connection between your questions
and my letter. I wonder what your motives are in asking the question.
It requires a real decision to love to put that defensiveness aside
and try to answer the question.
CON: I think that's the most important attitude
we need to build up - the attitude that I can trust you fully and
that it is safe to be completely open to you. Dialogue is not always
easy or fun. There are dialogues that end leaving us feeling incomplete
and disconnected from each other. We have come to see that these
are not failures, they are starting points. It is something to come
back to the next day or the day after when the picture we're trying
to paint for each other has become a little clearer.
MARGE: So, the answer is to keep practicing. The
greatest love we can show for each other is the willingness to ask
that next question or try out that analogy that doesn't quite seem
to fit when what we most want to do is to remain silent.
Remember that we don't cause each other's feelings. Avoid blame
by phrasing your description so that you take ownership of your
feeling.
"I feel angry when you come home late. I am working on understanding
why I feel so angry about, this." is much more appropriate
than: "You make me so angry when you come home late. Why do
you do this to me?"
It's okay to say that you don't like someone's behavior. But our
feelings are rooted in our own attitudes and needs.
Tips for Talking through the Dialogue
- Dialogue is important to us. We need to act
like it! Set prime time, as free of distractions as possible, and
keep the schedule each day. Establishing the habit itself is a vital
step that creates an important, new level of trust in our relationship.
P.S.--"Prime Time" is not bed-time!
- Each of us needs to take responsibility for the quality
of our relationship and our dialogue.
- Choose questions that are truly relevant to you and challenge
you to take a risk. When we share deep feelings and are
truly vulnerable with each other, our relationship grows.
- Try starting the dialogue the same way each time.
Decide together which feeling to use for the dialogue. For example,
"Which feeling should we talk about?" Or each of you restate
the other's feeling and then determine which is strongest "Your
strongest feeling is anger? How strong is that right now?"
"I see you feel afraid, is that stronger than the frustration
you described?"
- The listener should be absorbed and silent while the person
with the feeling is talking.
- Make the decision to love. That is, stick with
the dialogue even though you may feel a little self-conscious at
first, or if you feel defensive or resentful about the topic. For
the sake of your lover, put aside those strong urges to react, and
just love him by listening,
- Talking about feelings takes practice, so don't give up!
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