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  Dialogue - Guidelines

Deeper Dialogue

Jan & Ken Kenlon

(Excerpted from 1986 Issue No. 2 Worldwide Family Spirit magazine)

On the weekend you learned about dialogue and that the basis for dialogue is sharing feelings. Being vulnerable and risking enough to share feelings is what makes dialogue the key to our hope of achieving unity between husband and wife. This is our understanding of God's plan for us and is THE central concept in Marriage Encounter. Exploring feelings and sharing them is the MOST important thing that we can do to enhance our relationship. The whole weekend is tied to this central point.

Finding out what lies under the feelings and resolving problems isn't a part of dialogue as taught on the weekend but can be helpful to enriching our lives. Many times we have finished our 10 & 10 and wanted to explore the feelings we've discovered and shared. Well, that's what DEEPER DIALOGUE is all about. It's a vehicle that can be used to get beneath the feelings occasionally to make decisions and remedy problems. It's just natural that we would want to do something about the things that are causing "red light" feelings. Deeper Dialogue helps us to talk about situations that bring out feelings in us. It isn't saying that feelings are subordinate to action at all. On the contrary, Deeper Dialogue reinforces the notion that feelings are the best things-in fact the only things we can share to promote unity. But we realize that people have needs and that they will address them. We are an action oriented society who forgets that "being" is more important that "doing." Deeper Dialogue lets us do something about our needs while reminding us that being present for each other is paramount.

The needs that we will be exploring in deeper dialogue are the four basic human emotional needs placed in us by God. They are: the need to be LOVED, the need for SELF WORTH, the need to BELONG, and the need for AUTONOMY.

At times we try to meet our need for autonomy with independence. But by being aware that our gift of self is a free gift given in interdependence we can fulfill that need. Feelings are always an indication of how well needs are being met. Anger, fear and sadness can be classified a "red light" feeling (negative), telling me that my needs are NOT being met. Joy is a "green light" feeling (positive), indicating that my needs ARE being met.

Deepening the dialogue means recognizing several facts:
• that I am responsible for meeting my own needs (otherwise I expect others to take care of me, the ultimate in selfishness).
• that I am responsible to my spouse both in the way I choose to meet my needs, and in creating a relationship in which he or she can meet his or her needs.
• that my behavior is always an attempt to meet my needs (either honestly or by compensating for unmet needs, such as married singles activities),
• and that I have choices to make for the sake of our relationship.

There are, then three elements significant in an effective deeper dialogue:
• the awareness of what I am feeling, thinking, and doing and why,
• the options I have regarding this behavior, and
• the responsibility I will take to better meet my needs in our relationship.

The Deeper Dialogue process uses a series of questions to explore your dialogue topic. Yes, this is more time consuming in the writing and the actual dialogue. But we have found a little extra planning ahead of time will give us the atmosphere and time needed for reaching a little beyond our feelings and seeing a little more of who we are.

QUESTIONS FOR DEEPER DIALOGUE:
1. What are my feelings? (Describe completely)
2. What are my thoughts? (Ideas, judgments)
3. What do I see myself doing? (How am I acting or reacting to these judgments and feelings? Or what have I chosen not to do – listen, be involved)
4. What does all this tell me about the way I am handling my need? (What need am I experiencing as unmet? Am I compensating? Have I given up? Am I looking somewhere else to have my need met?)
5. What can I do better? (Do I have other options? How can I take responsibility for myself and my needs? What will I do for the sake of this relationship?)

Enjoy, with much love,
Ken & Jan Kenlon

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