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  Family - Weekend Effect

The Weekend Works if We Work At It

Rich & Carol Mazzafro

(Excerpted from Summer 1991 Matrimony magazine)

January, 1991 marked the 15th anniversary of our Marriage Encounter and our commitment to each other through daily dialogue. We wanted to celebrate this time in our lives not just to mark a passage of time, but to join together with significant people who have walked the walk with us over the years. As Carol and I thought about these people, we realized that who we are today has to do with the choices we have made over the years.

When I think of how and why Rich and I went on the weekend, I think of people. It was Rich's brother, Dan and his wife, Gerry, who got us to that Information Night. The shine in those couples eyes helped us choose to go. They had something we didn't have and I wanted it. If there was any chance at all we could shine like those couples, I wanted that Weekend. On Friday night of the Weekend I felt nervous and fearful. What would go on over these 44 hours? I didn't have a clue but I made the decision to go along with the couples. They were asking me to reflect, write, and share with Rich. It felt awkward on one hand, yet satisfying and exciting on the other. It was hard to share my feelings of fear about where and who we were. Some things Rich was sharing with me were difficult to listen to and I felt physically and emotionally drained, yet I saw our dialogues as a positive rather than a negative. I knew that what was going on was very significant.

That weekend started the discovery process as to who I was and then started me listening to Carol. Sure, I thought I knew who we were before that weekend, but dialogue was now redefining all of this for me. I realize now that the team was telling us there is another way. As we left that weekend on Sunday, the choice would be ours. It wasn't simply if we would dialogue or not, but more if we were willing to die to old ways. I would have to change and wasn't so sure I wanted to.

On Sunday afternoon of the Weekend, Rich and I decided to take dialogue one day at a time. That felt safer than committing to daily dialogue. This way we couldn't fail. So that's what we did one day at a time. I never asked Rich if he wanted to dialogue, I just wrote my love letter each day and so did he. Some days were harder than others but there was a fear for me in missing. I didn't want to play the game of having to see who would write first, besides it was better for me to write in the afternoon when the children were napping. At least that's what I told myself, but also if I had written I judged there was a better chance Rich would write.

Instead of closing up when the pressures of job got to him, he shared it. Rich had always seemed so complicated to me and now it was like peeling the layers of an onion and getting inside to see who he was. I could see Rich changing behavior patterns and I felt listened to. It was a whole new beginning for me. I felt plain and ordinary next to Rich. His letters were filled with complication and the unveiling of a person and his feelings, my letters seemed predictable in comparison. Sometimes Rich would say, "But Carol, isn't there more?". I felt confused and wondered if there was something wrong with me. But I didn't give up, I kept on going and tried to work at sharing more of me. This was difficult for me, as my mask of the quiet and shy person was completely the opposite of the "dig down and get those deep rooted feelings out" person that I was being challenged to be. At times I felt naked as I poured out those “negative" feelings I had buried for so long. Just to admit that I felt jealous and afraid that Rich's job was more important to him than I was made me feel terrified that maybe I was right. Dialogue was filled with risks for me.

After the weekend I thought of how Carol and I had established our way of life up to this point as individuals, a couple and as parents. It wasn't easy to change the patterns we had developed over 17 years of marriage and now it seemed dialogue was calling us to make significant changes in our lifestyle. I could say the biggest change was to do our 10/10 each day, but it was more than that. It was for me knowing that I wanted things to be different. I wanted changes that would make me feel more like Carol's lover than just the father of her children. At least that's the way it seemed, with Carol parenting the children as her #1 job, and me earning the money to pay the bills as my #1 job. There seemed to be little room for our individual identities outside of this role and even less room for us as the sacramental lovers we were called to be on the Weekend.

As time went on, things were changing but not fast enough or concrete enough for the controller that I am. So many times when I sat down to write my letter, I felt resentful and wanted to just junk the whole thing thinking that I was doing all the work and the changing while Carol was just along for the ride.

One night after Carol and I had gotten home from a meeting, dead tired, about two in the morning, both of us sat down to write our letters and I decided that this was it for me. I would tell Carol in this letter that I was tired of all of this and dialogue was over for me. As I started to write, something came over me and a clear message hit me. I wasn't writing for Carol but I was writing for me. This letter that I was writing each day was about me. I thought about all that I had learned about me in doing this over these few years. My letter that night went on and on as it was a real discovery for me. This was something I needed to do for me, not something I was doing just for Carol or because Carol wanted me to. The experience of writing that night and sharing this with Carol was so significant that from that night on, dialogue for me would be different.

Dialogue has gotten Rich and me through the times when I thought the world was crashing down around me. When my Mom passed away 10 years ago, dialogue was my salvation. It helped me get out all those feelings that seemed to be suffocating me and pulling me under. Rich was like a rock for me, all the while dealing with his own grief. Even though it was painful to talk about my feelings of loss, it was better than holding it all inside. Another time dialogue brought me close to Rich and forced me to look into my feelings was before my surgery years ago. It's sort of like that blanket some little babies hold onto for security. There was such a fear of the unknown that I needed an outlet. I needed to put it down on paper. I needed to do it so Rich could feel what l was feeling. I wanted to draw strength from him. I believed that if we dialogued instead of focusing on the fear I could focus on how much Rich loves and needs me. Because of my decision to share my fears and anticipations with Rich before surgery, my trustworthiness with him was sky high after surgery. I didn't hold him back, but rather I let him know I needed him to hold me. Because of this, my recovery period was a very intimate time for us.

Sometimes more important for us is the discussion that follows our 10/10. The dialogue opens doors for me that I can choose to walk through. I feel vulnerable and open to discuss areas that are difficult to talk about like sex, finances, and our adult children. Dialogue sort of sets us up and puts us in a safe area where we seem to be better able to listen to each other. Many times, Carol and I experience crisis in life and it would be the same when it came to our dialogue. One time that stands out for me is when I went back to school. Through the process of discovery in dialogue, I made the decision to respond to a dream I had of working in the field of Marriage Counseling. In order to do this, I would have to embark on a five year program to attain a graduate degree in Counseling while continuing to work full time in my regular job. It wasn't long into this venture that I found myself overwhelmed and very much afraid. What if I failed? What if I couldn't make this work? My letters to Carol were full of this fea, and I tended to see myself at times as not being as supported as I believed I could be. Didn't she understand how important this was to me and how afraid I was that I could fail.

Then the challenge of the course work caused me to look into who I was, and it was like Encounter With Self all over again only this seemed like one hundred times stronger. This was me going through this challenge, and how could I expect Carol to relate or understand what I was going through? Our dialogues many times were fraught with confrontation and instead of bringing us together, they were driving us apart. Dialogue over the years had brought Carol and me closer by each of us letting the other gain greater awareness in individual autonomy. Now, that seemed to be going out the window as I wanted and expected Carol to change at my pace rather then at her own individual pace. It seemed like we were back at the beginning again, fighting over territorial rights.

One night after dialogue we decided to take a walk. It was during this walk that we realized we even walk at a different pace and that in order to walk together I would need to slow down a pace, and Carol would have to speed up a pace. The important thing is that we both really wanted to walk together and if we did we both had to make compromises. That night was another new beginning as to how we approached dialogue and our quest for true intimacy.

Dialogue is truly a way of life for Rich and me. There are, and always have been, good and bad dialogues but the important thing is that there are dialogues. I remember on night we crawled into bed, lights out, ready to call it a night and all of a sudden Rich said. "We didn't dialogue." We teased about should we or shouldn't we. And you guessed it, we did. Dialogue has taught me to trust Rich with the me that is so quiet and private. It challenges me to confront Rich when I hate confrontation. Dialogue is the gift that keeps on giving. So our celebration wasn't just about our 15 years of daily dialogue, but about our growth and commitment to each other. We chose the lifestyle the Weekend offered us. It hasn't always been easy, but it has been wonderful.

In thinking about Carol and me and daily dialogue, my focus seems to center on commitment. Not so much a commitment to a daily routine, but a commitment to growth. For me that's about being willing to die to old ways. It's about a stubborn nature that could keep me stuck in a false sense of security. Just knowing my faults, shortcomings and fears isn't enough. Dialogue has been the gift of God's grace in helping me go past fears so that I can make the decision to accept change. I know that Carol, our granddaughter, close friends, and Fr. Fred Riegler who celebrated Mass for us. Sure, the celebration was beautiful but it wasn't just about the past, it was also about the future and the choices that Carol and I will make. God's grace will always be there for us and the promise is in the beauty of the resurrection. We can experience ongoing resurrection in our relationship, which is intimacy, if we continue to make the choice to die to old self-centered ways, and dialogue is the only way I know to do that.

Dialogue/Discussion
What happened during our dialogue on our Weekend? HDIFAT?
How are we working at our dialogue today? HDIFSTWY?
Who do we gather with for dialogue support? HDIFAT?
Dialogue is a vehicle for change. Have I stopped changing? HDIFAT?

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