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  Family - Weekend Effect

The Importance of Fatherhood in Parenting

Tom & Agnes Walter

(Excerpted from 1981 June Worldwide Family Spirit magazine)

Once upon a time, Agnes and I met, fell in love, married and began producing our six children. At first the title "Father" seemed like an honorary degree bestowed on me as a result of my being an enthusiastic lover. Over the years that changed. As the boys became teenagers, I felt certain that "Father" was an award given upon the completion of a 90-day crash course. I know I felt unprepared for the responsibilities of fathering.

Things were very clear cut in the early days. The boys needed love, instruction, and basic discipline-in almost equal amounts. Agnes bore most of the brunt of those days. I was out of the house from 8 to 5 while she seldom had a break. Sometimes the best way to be a father was to be a support to Agnes.

In all my years of learning the "domestic arts" of babysitting for practical experience and attending marriage preparation courses, much was made of the importance of being a good wife and mother. Little was said of my husband and father of my children more than acknowledging he would be part of my life. My own father was an excellent provider, but it was my mother who raised us and cared for everything in our home. One of my first impressions of my father-in-law-to-be was at a large dinner party where he, to my surprise, mashed the potatoes and made the coffee.

As I came to know Tom more, I could see he believed in an active role in being a husband and father. This pleased me very much. I didn't realize then how much I would come to depend on his help and support. It was much later, when we, had five of our six sons. Our 18-month-old was testing me, this one particular day, beyond my limits. At the time, he had a 4-month old brother, plus a 3-year, a 5-year, and a 6-year-old brother. Finally I couldn't take all his mischief any longer-so I tied Michael into his high chair, phoned Tom at work, and quietly said-"You'd better come home."

From the tone of my voice Tom wisely decided to come. He looked at me, handed me the checkbook, the keys to the car, and said-"Here, you go to the beauty parlor and stay all afternoon." What a God-send he was. No questions, no explanations. To me it was a needed relief. But to the boys, especially Mike, he was a Daddy there just for them. He wasn't ironing or cooking or cleaning; but he was with them. Peace was restored to our home because Tom was there to support me.

I had always been mechanically skillful, and, having sons, it was an easy trait to pass on. Then there were the organizational qualities I had and these were harder to teach. Young children of various personalities didn’t get very enthusiastic about some of the things that I did.

There was also a logical side to my character - a hand-over from high school that leads me to see everything in black and white. When that logical attitude came up in disciplining, it made me look like a drill sergeant. I remember lining up those six monkeys and raging that I was going to start spanking left to right until I found out who had lied. It didn't work. I wound up as frustrated as they were sore.

As parents, we both influence and form our children's attitudes and judgments. When we were dating, one of Tom's qualities which I admired was his honesty. He never beat around the bush. He was always up-front, I knew where we stood.

As a father, that quality took on a new aspect . . . our boys came to realize that when Dad said something it was true. In some cases, they called it stubbornness. When he said no . . . it didn't mean "maybe" or "we'll see." There was no grey area with their Dad. From him, they learned what it means to be men of their word, to think before they decide, because once a person's word is said, it is believed. I could not teach them that quality. I'm more bendable, a “softie,” This value of honesty is a gift our boys have from their Dad.

However, as the boys grew older and our family became more and more active, our control over them became less and less. We often found ourselves stretched and divided. Because I was with the boys more, I felt more qualified to assess situations that required discipline. Tom was stern and unbending and insisted on certain rules and regulations. I only turned to him as a last resort. We became disillusioned as parents and we began to argue over priorities, privileges and discipline. It almost seemed like I was the good guy and he was the heavy, the bad guy.

As the boys became teenagers, things became more complex. They had different opinions than I did and we disagreed often. I disagreed with Agnes too. My frustration level rose daily. I was falling behind and I knew it. I had nobody to share this frustration with. Trying to be a good father and not knowing if Agnes was applauding or angry was making it easier too give up. During one of those black moments of our lives, we heard about Marriage Encounter. I agreed to go on the Weekend.

What a Weekend it was! I rediscovered the joy of who Agnes and I are, and maintaining that became the number one priority for me.

We re-evaluated our activities. I stopped going to so many Little League games; I gave up my involved work-shop projects, I dropped out of Boy Scout leadership. I flat-out spent a lot more time with Agnes. And by doing so, I BECAME A BETTER FATHER TO OUR TEENAGERS.

I kept remembering the Weekend ideas. And, I realized then, that those klutzy things that Tom Jr. did had feelings behind them. I became more subdued in my criticism. I also had to learn to trust. Jim and I had a very antagonistic relationship. When he asked for the car for his girl's senior prom, the "no" rose so fast in my throat that I stumbled over it. But I decided that if I was to be life-giving, I was going to have to trust him, and to the surprise of both of us, I said yes! A step had been made in bridging the gap between us.

During one of the post-weekend programs, we began talking about forgiveness. And if there is anything important to the raising of teenagers, it is absolute and unconditional forgiveness. When one of the boys came stumbling home drunk, I remember being angry, but putting him to bed with a bucket. The next morning, we let him "enjoy" his hangover and late in the afternoon gave him a lecture and a punishment. And that was the end of it. No repetitions of the lecture or of the incident.

All of you reading this article can tell of the wonder and miracle of your Marriage Encounter Weekend. What I want to share now is the effect daily dialogue has had on our family-life, specifically on Tom as a father.

Discovering and sharing our feelings was so wonderful-but acting on those discoveries was even more fantastic. We began a series of dialogue questions on our boys - What are my hopes and dreams for _______ (name) HDIFAT? Going down the line. Then we did the series - What are my fears and nightmares for ______(name) HDIFAT? These dialogues were not only revealing to us, but drew us closer as parents and helped us to understand our children better.

We did them all except one son, who was the cause of great pain and concern at the time. It wasn't till weeks later we had built an atmosphere of loving trust and confidence between each other that we could talk about and share Tom's defeated feelings of failure as a father where this son was concerned. Sharing those difficult feelings made me realize where Tom's actions of the past were coming from. As, in the beginning, I needed his support to be a good mother, now he needed my support and love to be an understanding father.

The Weekend, and our re-evaluations, led us to praying as a couple, and as individuals as we had before. Our dependence on each other for love and strength was paralleled in our dependence on God to be our strength and source of our loving each other and our sons. As we became more fully sacramental, our sons became receivers of the graces we produced. As we began to look to our Father for forgiveness, understanding and strength, our sons began to see their father as forgiving and still loving and strong.

Our Weekend team had told us: "Remember there is no sacrament of parenthood, but there is a Sacrament of Matrimony." I believe the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother more. To me, this is the most meaningful legacy a father can leave his children.

The most important lesson of my Marriage Encounter Weekend was the simplest - Love Agnes. Talk to her, Dream with her. Be a strong couple. Our love is like a security blanket thrown over the endless daily crises of life.

Nobody's children are perfect and nobody's a perfect father-and yet, sometimes our failures seem like mountains and negative thoughts and judgments spring up. Then, more than ever, I need that basic reassuring fact, Agnes loves me.

Last month, I learned some more about parenting. My Dad died. Four of our sons were pallbearers. They had come from the East coast and the West coast to stand beside their grandfather's casket and carry it down the aisle. They looked so serious, so mature and so right. And, as they lifted the casket, I focused on that scene and felt deeply stirred. My sons were moving on. They were now adults, picking up the burdens of life, making their own decisions-living out whatever lessons I have been able to pass on to them. A new cycle had started in all of our lives.

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