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Widower's perspective of WWME National Convention 2003

Jim Bezy < >

Jim and Ella Bezy’s Marriage Journey

On April 18th, 1975 Ella and I made solemn vows to each other. We vowed to love, honor and cherish each other “for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Since our wedding day we had many challenges to deal with. Like any marriage relationship, we experienced the daily challenges of keeping the romance alive while trying to raise a family. We supported each other with words of encouragement and demonstrated our love for one another by our actions. It was little things like the occasional “Flowers because it’s Tuesday” or a romantic dinner after the kids were in bed, or breakfast in bed on a Saturday morning before the kids awakened.

Unlike perhaps most marriage relationships, we had major life threatening challenges with each one of our three children. There were many doctor appointments, hospital stays, surgeries, complications, rehabilitation and recuperations over the years. Through the grace of God and the prayers and support of many friends and relatives we all survived those challenges.

Around Mother’s Day in 1995, just after we had made our twentieth anniversary “Gift of a Marriage Encounter Weekend”; Ella went to the doctor because of a lump in her neck near her collarbone. A biopsy was performed one week later. The following month of June it was our oldest son’s High School graduation. We had a wonderful graduation party held in a Church hall.

The next week, just after Ella’s 43rd birthday we had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to get the results of the biopsy. We were the last appointment of the day and the office was empty except for the doctor and us. When he gave us the news that the “lump” was an inoperable Stage IV malignant tumor, it felt as if we had both been run over by a Mack truck.

It was then that we realized why we were the last appointment of the day. The doctor explained that while he had known the results for some time, he also knew the stress of planning a high school graduation party was taking on Ella and decided to wait until after the graduation party to give her the results.

The treatment plan was chemotherapy to reduce the tumor followed by a mastectomy. During the mastectomy the lab results indicated malignancy in the lymph glands and the ovaries. As a result, several lymph glands and her ovaries were removed, causing her “change of life-menopause” to begin immediately. Her mastectomy was followed by Radiation treatments for 10 weeks, which caused extreme fatigue. The chemotherapy treatments caused her to lose ALL the hair on her body, but she improvised by getting a wig, which made her feel much better about herself.

When her regular doctor visits began with her Oncologist, he told her up front the facts about her life expectancy. He said that statistically, women who have a stage IV malignant tumor that has metastasized to lymph glands and ovaries have about an 18% chance of surviving for five years. That translates to about an 82% mortality rate. He said that statistics are just numbers taken over time with many cases to come up with averages, rates of mortality, survival etc. He also told her that she must “see” herself in that smaller 18% of survivors.

Seven years later, on November 2nd, 2002 at 12:00noon, although she had been a miracle of persistence and perseverance; after three remissions, the cancer finally claimed her body but not her spirit. It was so hard to watch as her condition deteriorated and her will to fight grew weaker. Our vows remained in sickness and in health, until death parted us.

Although God called her home and we know that our spirits will never die, it was still difficult to “let go and let God” take over. Our philosophy had always been to count our blessings because the more you count the more you get. Everyone has problems of one sort or another and if you focus on just your problems, the Lord “blesses” you with more. Since we had a choice, we chose to count our blessings instead of our problems. I married a saint and I pray she holds a spot for me in heaven.

In February 2003, I received an email from Fran & Jerry Ashe, the Executive couple for the Detroit Marriage Encounter community, inviting me to attend the WWME national convention in DeKalb. IL since it was the first time ever that widow and widowers had been invited to a national convention of WWME. I replied with a YES! to Fran & Jerry and then linked to the website to fill out the online application and pay for the convention and make reservations for campus housing.

Since this was my first WWME national convention, I was filled with anticipation wondering how I would manage being surrounded by almost one thousand loving married couples and how could I dialogue when my spouse was in heaven and I was here. Then I learned that a special program was designed to address the needs of widows and widowers who would be attending. It was an honor to be invited and it reminded me how Ella and I were invited to experience a Marriage Encounter weekend in 1995.

I felt like part of the ME community when Allyn Battaglia, Leslie Bradley and Kate Maher introduced themselves as Presenters, introduced me to the other nine widows in attendance and hugs were shared all around. I introduced myself to Huli, Miki, Carolyn, Laura, Sunny, Morya, Estelle, Marilyn and Fabiola. Then I felt like the “Lone Ranger” when it became clear that the only widower in attendance was just me. But the most important thing about our group was that we shared something in common with each other. We shared a recognition of our uniqueness, a commitment to Marriage Encounter, a relationship that was severed by death, a desire to reconnect with a loving community that was the source of so much love and support and a willingness to share our stories and to begin the process of moving forward in our lives.

The realization struck me that we are all pioneers in this journey; one that all married couples will experience at some point in their married life. Our loss just happened to be sooner rather than later in our marriages. I believe that God gave each of us the grace we needed; just when we needed it the most to accept His will for our lives and to know that His love for us will never end. Grief is a process that can really turn one’s life upside down. There is no way around it, only through it. Only someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse can truly begin to understand the intensity of the pain and feelings of total emptiness that are a part of the grieving process. The memories of our spouse will never be forgotten, but the pain of separation is less intense as time passes and the healing process begins.

Thank you Marriage Encounter Community for opening your hearts and welcoming widows and widowers to share our dialogue and maintain our connectedness with the World Wide Marriage Encounter Community. May God bless you and let His Light Shine through you to the rest of the world and as the words to a hymn say so clearly “They will know we are Christians . . . By Our Love!”

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Jim & Ella Bezy

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