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Finding Our Fighting Style

Ralph & Karen Lewis

(Excerpted from Winter 1996 Matrimony magazine)

Why on earth would we Plan how to have a fight? Fighting has always been so uncomfortable for us that even after our Weekend, the idea of spending time planning how we would fight seemed pretty strange. We spent a lot of time figuring out ways to avoid fighting. It took a couple of years and some very determined arguing to realize that we were on the wrong track. When we realized that we will probably continue to have fights as long as we live and we started planning for the inevitable, we hit pay dirt.

We started from an insight into why it is we fight. It comes from our differences. God gave each of us different gifts. Face it - the reason we are attracted to each other is that we are different. To begin with, one of us is a man, the other is a woman and that accounts for a whole lot of difference in the way we were raised and in our outlook on life. When I first met Karen, I was attracted to her because (among other things) she is more spontaneous and outgoing than I am. Yet, after the newness of our relationship began to fade, I found myself sometimes feeling uncomfortable over these same qualities of spontaneity and openness.

There are literally thousands of little ways that we are different and it is inevitable that our differences sometimes grate on each other. It is a short step from "helpful" to "irritating" when I have suggestions on how Karen would be a better or happier person if she saw certain things my way. It is amazing how fast this can develop into a full scale fight.

One of the first big differences we had to address when we were beginning to work on our fighting style was the difference in our parents’ fighting styles. My (Ralph's) parents agreed early in their relationship that they would not fight in front of us children. I don't ever remember them betraying the fact that they had differences that would lead to a fight.

My father told me more than once that fighting was a sign of immaturity in an adult. From that I decided that there should be no fighting in my marriage - only calm, rational exchanges of facts. When Karen and I began to fight, I was afraid it meant that our relationship was going downhill. I believed that I needed to exercise still more self-control and I regarded Karen as being childish when she would vent her feelings in our fights.

My (Karen's) parents settled their arguments loudly and almost immediately (to the bitter end, if need be). Once a fight was over, we saw that they were best friends again. I learned that you could disagree with a friend and still be friends. I assumed that when I married Ralph, fighting would probably be unavoidable, but we could work things out if we were determined. When Ralph and I did begin to fight, I thought he didn't care about me. He wouldn't raise his voice. He was very logical.

I, on the other hand, would throw a tantrum, which I thought made me seem distinguished and righteous. I guess I was trying to provoke him to fight the way I was used to seeing my parents fight. When he didn't respond, I would slam the front door and sulk out on the curb. Inside, I was longing for Ralph to come hold me in his arms and urge me to come back. Little did I realize, he was wondering if I was even coming back.

Like it or not, fighting is a fact of life for married couples. It was a major revelation to me (Ralph) when my sister confided years after we had all left home that when she was growing up she could hear Mom and Dad arguing at night.

"Show me a marriage where there is no fighting and I will show you a marriage where there is no passion." (Somebody famous said that, so it must be true.) It certainly is true in our relationship. When we are at our most passionate and we are the most excited about our love for each other, it is also the time when we are prone to having our biggest fights. Why not? It's when we are the most open with each other and we each have the sense that our relationship is worth fighting for.

On our Weekend, we were introduced to the idea that we could fight for the sake of our relationship. This quickly became a piece of jargon that didn't really come alive for us for several years. We both have strong self-worth needs. In a fight, it was important to be right. After banging heads repeatedly against this attitude, we began to understand what it meant to fight for our relationship.

Fighting for our relationship meant letting go of proving that one of us was right and the other wrong. It meant learning to present a point of view and to listen to the other's point of view and then to try to find out what was best for our relationship. It is important to remember that we are presenting a point of view rather than "the God given facts" in our fight. It is important to realize that perhaps neither of us is "right" in this fight. It is also important to realize that one of us may be right and it may not be me.

However it turns out, we need to fight with the attitude that we will do whatever we have to do for the sake of strengthening our relationship - even when it means swallowing our pride and saying, "You are right, dear" and committing to making a change.

This idea that we are fighting for our relationship rather than fighting against each other is the main reason why the two of us have tried to develop a fighting style that works for us. The rewards for this are tremendous. We have learned to listen to each other with a degree of respect that was not there early in our marriage. We have learned how different our feelings are about important basics like our sexual relationship, the way we think about money and the way we parent our children.

When we talk about a fighting style that works for us, we mean a way we can have a fight that will result in a new level of intimacy in our relationship. That means letting go of fighting to win. It means we have to be realistic about how we react to fighting.

When Karen and I fight, I would like to think that I am a calm, dispassionate listener focused on finding what is best for our relationship. That's not real. I often start out that way, but as the feelings begin to mount, it becomes harder and harder for me to stay calm.

For us, a typical fight starts when we are trying to solve a problem. For example, if we have finished dialoging at the kitchen table, and we are talking, sometimes we'll have a disagreement. It helps to hold hands as we are talking. It is much easier to remember that we love each other when we are close to each other. Sometimes, this is all it takes to keep the fight focused on just settling an issue.

When we are not making headway and it is getting harder to listen, one technique that we have tried is to take turns talking. We each take three minutes to say anything we want to say while the listener agrees to do his or her very best to just listen and not fall into preparing a defense. This can go on for several sets of exchanges, if needed. As we begin to sense that we are on the track of working together again we may go back to our usual give and take style.

Every now and then, we get to the next stage. That's the stage where we begin to raise our voices and say things that we know are not in keeping with the rules for fighting. This is where we have the greatest responsibility to know that it is time to stop talking.

Each couple has their own threshold for their ability to deal with raised voices or other ways of demonstrating frustration and anger. I learned very quickly that when I get to the point that I feel compelled to pound on the table, Karen stops hearing anything I have to say. I am learning that when I get to that point, it is best to call the discussion to a halt for the time being. It is important that we deal with the feelings and the issue under discussion, but the best way may be to start with another 10 and 10 tomorrow.

When we have reached the point in our fight where we know we have to stop for now because we are too upset to stay focused on fighting for our relationship, we try to end with a hug and an "I love you." Sometimes it is incredibly hard to get these words out and they don't feel very real at the moment. It is an example of making the decision to love rather than being ruled by our feelings. It helps us to remember that we are in this together and that we are not going to let what is going on slide into the past without reaching some resolution.

When the feelings are running high and we have had to break off a fight, we sometimes shift to exchanging letters. I may be unable to put the fight out of my mind and I will write a letter to Karen with all the things I think she may not have heard or understood so far. When the letter is written, I find it is good to re-read it and make sure that it is helpful and not hurtful. It needs to describe feelings and deal with facts. Blame, name-calling, and sarcasm are not helpful. Sometimes, I throw the letter away and start over again. Writing a letter to vent anger and frustration can help. But, be sure to rip it up and throw it away before anyone sees it

All those things we have learned in writing our love letters apply here - use "I" statements, describe feelings in detail and, above all, remember that it is a letter to my lover. Then I give the letter to Karen or leave it in a place where I know she will soon find it and I go away while she reads it. She may or may not have a response to put into another letter. We have had exchanges that have spanned a two day period in this fashion, involved four or five sets of exchanges and have helped us to work through some very emotionally charged issues.

Either of us can initiate the letter writing. I have awakened and stumbled into the bathroom in the morning to find a letter from Karen awaiting me on the counter. I have opened my lunch at work and found a letter. Each time, one of the strongest feelings that comes up for me is joy. The letter is a reminder that she cares enough for me and for our relationship to do the work that it takes to write this letter.

Usually, there comes a point in the letter exchanges where we realize that we are no longer fighting. It may be that we have realized that we started out misunderstanding each other. It may be that one of us or both of us have had a breakthrough in understanding how intense the other's feelings are about this subject. It may be that one or both of us see the need for change in our relationship and we are willing to begin to make that change.

When we come to the end of a fight, there is still work to do. We each make mistakes that cause hurts during a fight, so we ask each other for forgiveness. Without this, true healing can never occur. It may be that the hurts are unintentional but we still need to ask for forgiveness and invite God's healing.

Our journey to find a fight style was a long one. It began with finding some simple rules we could agree on. They are the rules you heard on your Weekend (see rules for fighting at the end of this article). We found that this still leaves a lot of work to be done to develop a fighting style that works for us. We would fight and come away from the fight feeling disillusioned and discouraged. Dialogue helped us to deal with these feelings.

We have used questions to help us understand “What it is like to be you fighting with me,” to paraphrase Denie and Dee Stemmle (“Dialogue for Life” series Matrimony Fall ‘95 through Summer ‘96). I shared with Karen that when we start to fight, my strongest underlying feeling is that I am afraid she is going to take our fight as an excuse to leave me. Since then, she tries to make it a point to remind me that she loves me even while we are fighting. It has given me the confidence to risk confrontation and fighting in areas that I used to believe were best left untouched.

It was most helpful for me to search my mind during an argument and clarify what it is I want from the argument. My purpose is never to hurt Ralph. I find that Ralph is much more willing to listen to me in the heat of the argument when I am the first to say “tell me your concerns,” and then I really listen to him and restate his concerns so he knows I heard him.

Another useful technique we learned is to dialogue about fighting at a time when we were not actually fighting. We had some insightful discussions about our different perspectives. I told Ralph that it really shows me he cares about me when he acknowledges my ideas or questions, even if he doesn’t agree or doesn’t have answers. I told him that I am easily intimidated by his anger. We each try to make changes based on what we learned from the other.

One way our fighting style has made a difference is that we are much less afraid of fighting. Yes, it is still uncomfortable to fight, but we know we will survive. Yes, we do sometimes fall into some hurtful behavior during a fight, but with less frequency. And we now take the opportunity to forgive and to be forgiven.

An unexpected bonus from all of this work is that the frequency with which we have big fights has decreased considerably. Because we are not so afraid to fight, we deal with many of our issues while they are still little fights. The issues that we keep putting off pick up a lot of highly emotional baggage and can end up in big battles.

The goal of learning to fight better was to have another tool to use in our journey to building our relationship into one that is exciting and passionate and strong. We now have a tool. Our quest to make it an ever more useful tool is another of the fascinating elements of our journey together.

GUIDELINES FOR FIGHTING FAIR FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP
(The term fight as we use it never refers to any physical or mental violence.)

1. Remember that criticism and sarcasm wound people and destroy our capacity to belong to each other. Avoid criticism.

2. Avoid name-calling and character assassination.

3. Never fight when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

4. It is a waste of time placing blame. Since you can’t unspill milk, work at moving forward.

5. Avoid using absolutes, such as “you always” or “every time”. They are not true.

6. Finish the fight. Even if there are tears, be sensitive, but do not walk away. Continue the fight for your relationship.

7. Do not bring in third parties. A parent, a friend, a person at work has no part in your confrontation. The real problem is often miscommunication.

8. Stay physically close to each other. An affectionate touch helps each to know that there is nothing that cannot be worked out in love.

9. The issue under discussion is never as important as the two of you are. Being right is not as important as being in relationship.

10. Fight for clarification, not to win. If I “win” a fight then I’m sleeping with a loser.

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