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eMatrimony.org Supporting, Encouraging, and Challenging the WWME Community |
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| Resources - Miscellaneous Family Planning vs The Modern World Matrimony Editors (Excerpted from Fall 1996 Matrimony magazine.) In the beginning it seems that it was much simpler. God saw that man was lonely, so he made the one into two so that they might be suitable companions for each other. "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body," (Gn 2:24). From this it would appear that our sexual relationship was seen from the beginning as a part of what makes us suitable companions for each other. It is a source of joy and of intimacy. "God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him: male and female he created them. God blessed them saying “Be fertile and multiply; filI the earth and subdue it.” (Gn l: 27-28). It appears, too, that God intended us to beget children through this marvelous gift of lovemaking. All of this is so important to us as the children of a loving Creator, that it is found in the first two chapters of His love letter to us - The Bible. What a marvelous plan this is! Sex brings us joy and intimacy and children. Until recent times, having lots of children was considered to be a blessing. Along with this gift of our sexual relationship, God gave us another gift when He gave us dominion over the earth - intelligence. With this gift, we have been able to alter our living environment so that in the last few centuries, we have not teetered so close to the brink of extinction as we did early in our history. Now, we are beginning to see the need to limit the number of children in our families. We have realized that the resources of our planet are limited and that the emotional and financial resources of parents are often limited. Our Church recognizes these realities and teaches that we must be responsible in the creation of children. That implies that married couples needed to find a way to reconcile the now seemingly contradictory aspects of our lovemaking. We still yearn for the joy and the intimacy of our lovemaking, but we don't always hope for a child as the result. Abstinence is an obvious, but not particularly attractive option for limiting the number of children in our marriages. Contraception is another option. There don't seem to be any other choices. In the 60's, the availability of "The Pill" seemed for many to be the ultimate answer - it was highly effective, medical science said it was safe, it was relatively inexpensive and it was quite simple to use. The cheering from the bedrooms around the world nearly drowned out the voices that saw moral and physical dangers in the use of contraceptives. Almost from its beginning, our own Catholic Church has struggled with making clear the role that sex should occupy in marriage. Should sex be solely for begetting children? Is it a sin to find pleasure in sex? What are the duties of spouses with respect to each other in the area of sex? The Church's long standing opposition to contraception has produced much passionate debate. Those who believe that God is a loving Father would not accept that He would give us the gift of sexual love with one hand and take it back with the other. Surely He must have given us a way to experience lovemaking as a part of our sacrament and still have a way to limit the size of our families. In fact, He did just that. The Church has made a solution available in Natural Family Planning (NFP). As early as the 1930's there were efforts to recognize timing of a woman's ovulation by observing the timing of her menstrual cycle combined with other bodily changes. By the 1970's there was sufficient confidence in the reliability of several of these NFP techniques that the Couple to Couple League (CCL) was founded by John & Sheila Kippley in Minneapolis with the goal of teaching NFP to couples. The CCL was modeled on the La Leche League as a self-help organization. The CCL published the first edition of The Art of Natural Family Planning in I975. There were many variations of this new method of family planning. A couple who learned natural family planning in one diocese could move to another and find that there were significant, confusing differences in what was taught in each diocese. In March 1981, the National Conference of Catholic Bishops (NCCB) approved the establishment of the Diocesan Development Program for Natural Family Planning (DDP/NFP) for the purpose of coordinating and expanding the availability of NFP services to Catholic families. In 1987, at a meeting at Seton Hall University, the DDP/NFP started down the road that led to recommendations for a standard methodology, national certification of diocesan programs and teacher certification. These recommendations were printed in the National Standards of the National Conference of Catholic Bishop's Diocesan Development Program for Natural Family Planning in 1990. "So," you are asking yourself, "how does this ponderously titled document translate into joy in our bedroom?" It means that our Church recognizes the teaching of a standardized, reliable method of NFP as a part of the Church's total pastoral ministry to Catholic couples. It means that we can expect that the Church will support us in finding a way of NFP that recognizes both the responsibility and the joy that our lovemaking brings. "Too good to be true," many reply. However, we found several couples right away that were willing to verify that NFP, as taught by our Church, does lead to a deepening of our responsible, intimate spousal relationship. We want to thank these couples for their willingness to share in this sensitive and some times controversial area: Wes & Vicki Fach, Poway CA - Married 22 years.
Six children. Matrimony: How long have you used Natural Family Planning? Have you ever used any other form of birth control? Where did you hear about it and how did you learn the method? Wes & Vicki: We have used NFP since we were married, except when we were trying to get pregnant or (like now) when we have been completely open to God's Will. We took an NFP class together at a local Catholic hospital and also read through a Billings Method self-help book. Chris & Teresa: We have practiced NFP all of our married life. We learned it at St. Joe's Hospital (in Phoenix, AZ) as part of our marriage preparation. Gene & Mary: We have used NFP for the last 16 years. We heard about it in our parish bulletin and took a class given in a nurse's home. Mark & Kathi: We have used NFP on two separate occasions: when we were first married and most recently since January 1996. We originally heard about NFP on our Engaged Encounter Weekend the Fall before our wedding. Then and when we resumed using NFP, we took structured classes. We used birth control pills after the birth of our first child and condoms after the second. We resumed using NFP partly out of concern about the side effects of long term usage of the pill. NFP was the only form of birth control that was acceptable to both of us. After taking the second set of classes, we walked away with a much stronger knowledge base. We have also read several different books, including The Art of Natural Family Planning, published by the Couple to Couple League. Stephen & Terri: We have used NFP since we were married. We heard about it through the Church and learned the details about the method through the Couple to Couple League. Matrimony: Please share with us about your journey with NFP. How confident are you with this method? What is most rewarding and what is most difficult about using NFP? Wes & Vicki: We can't say that we really had hesitations about using NFP or concern that it wouldn't work. We did worry about what we would do if Vicki was in her fertile phase on our wedding night (she wasn't). The most rewarding thing about using NFP is knowing that we are acting in accordance with God's laws, as well as experiencing the joys of lovemaking more fully after a period of abstinence. The period of abstinence is a time when we don't have all the pressures, missed signals and guessing games about making love. Most difficult is that Vicki often feels most sexually receptive when she is fertile and then feels pressured on the first "safe" day. Similarly, we can often get into the "time is running out" mode as the time for abstinence approaches. However, we've found since we decided to just leave things completely up to God, that the "forbidden fruit" allure of the fertile phase isn't as strong and we still have struggles over whether or not to make love. As we told one couple recently, when you're completely open to God's will or even if you're using artificial contraceptives, then you get to have all the struggles over control in the sexual relationship all month, instead of just in the infertile phase! Chris & Teresa: We had no hesitation about NFP. For Chris, if the Church said this was the approved way, he would follow it. We both felt secure in what we learned in the classes. We were told that our intimacy would benefit because of NFP and that has been what we have experienced. In the beginning, we were both anxious about how we would exercise self control during periods of abstinence. But as each month went by, we gained more confidence in ourselves and in each other as we helped each other through the cycles. What is most rewarding about NFP is knowing that this is how God wants us to live and love each other - it is His perfect plan. The sacrifices that it has required of us have brought us peace and confidence in each other. "Our joy has been made full." For Teresa there is the reward of the confidence she feels in herself knowing that she understands her cycle and more importantly, the confidence she feels in us as a couple. We have a lot of respect for each other and our combined fertility. The goodness that is in us is more apparent as we share in this responsibility. The most difficult part of using NFP for Teresa is keeping close watch over the signs of fertility, especially during times of change (nursing a baby, illness or stress). However, that is also a confidence builder as she learns more about herself. Gene & Mary: We worried that NFP wouldn't actually be effective and Mary wondered if she would be able to correctly interpret her symptoms of fertility. We knew that abstaining during part of every cycle would be difficult at times (and it is!) and that it would take an attitude of unselfishness for the method to be effective. We anticipated that there would be times of intense frustration in our sexual relationship. The positive side of abstaining during part of each month is that we often yearn for each other with tremendous intensity during these times so that the non-fertile phase can be a time of glorious reward when we can enjoy each other fully again. As a result, abstaining for part of every month helps to prevent us from taking our sexual relationship for granted. On the negative side, the times of abstinence can sometimes seem long and Mary has often resisted initiating or responding to Gene sexually during the fertile phase because of the frustration that often results. This has caused tension and misunderstanding between us on many occasions. If we don't communicate about our feeling adequately in this area, we begin to notice a distance and a lack of playfulness in our relationship. Mark & Kathi: When we first used NFP, we took the class, but much of the material didn't stick. Because we used the method incorrectly, we became pregnant quickly. Our hesitation the second time around was that we would once again make charting mistakes and misinterpretations. Still, we knew it could work because we have several friends who use NFP and they urged us to try it again. The most rewarding aspect of using NFP is the spontaneity, openness and oneness that we have when we are making love. In fact that frequency of our love making has increased since we started using NFP. (Yes, guys, you did read this correctly.) For Kathi, the most rewarding part has been that we are more aware each day of where we are in our fertility and our sexual relationship is more often on our minds. The most difficult aspect of using NFP is the periods of abstinence. During the fertile times when we have chosen to refrain from making love, Kathi is the prettiest and sexiest. And Mark, for some reason, smells so good! When we used artificial birth control, we did not notice these things about one another. NFP has heightened our senses for one another. Stephen & Terri: We both wondered (especially Stephen) whether or not NFP methods would work. The running joke between us was "What do you call people who use NFP? - Parents!" In the beginning we weren't too worried about losing spontaneity. We found that there were other ways to say "I love you." The waiting period during Terri's fertile time created a sense of urgency for the time that Terri would not be fertile. Teri's fertile time is longer than usual and over a period of many years it did seem to be like scheduling our sex life, but that was symptomatic of other problems in our relationship. It is very rewarding to us that we were able to plan the births of our four children. We know the date of conception of each. Once we acquired confidence in the methods, NFP allowed us to enjoy sexual intercourse without fear of a pregnancy when we would rather not have children. NFP gave us an increased communication. We had to make decisions together about sex from the very beginning of our marriage. Matrimony: How do you make extra efforts to love each other during times of abstinence? Can you give us some dialogue questions that have been helpful for dealing with the times of abstinence? Wes & Vicki: During times of abstinence, we try to hold each other a lot and focus on love in itself. Once in a while, I will ask Chris, "Would you like to try for another baby?" Usually the answer is no, but somehow the very fact that we could create another child is awesome and comforting. We feel closer to one another and to God. Gene & Mary: Dialogue has helped us to accept each other's feelings during these times - feelings about having another baby and feelings of rejection. We began to explore in dialogue and in practice ways we can please each other sexually beyond intercourse itself. We use dialogue for "sexual climate checks" at least once a month. Mark & Kathi: At first, we would both avoid each other during the times of abstinence. Kathi literally ran away. But now we seem to hug and snuggle with each other much more. We are much more aware of each other during these times and take the opportunity for more romance. Stephen and Terri: Back rubs and paying a little extra attention to each other helps us. More playfulness and romance just prior to the day we choose to have sexual intercourse. Matrimony: Overall, how do you think using NFP has affected your relationship? Wes & Vicki: Overall, NFP, especially when used as part of an overall openness to God's will in the area of family size, has been a tremendously enriching force in our relationship. It has helped us communicate better in the area of sex and family size. It has helped us to work at staying in tune with God's dreams for us. One of our greatest joys has been seeing our openness to God's will and our love and valuing of our children passed on to our older ones. Our five daughters told us one year that all they wanted for Christmas was a new baby. Since it was then November, we told them it might take a little longer than that. They all prayed diligently and the following November we had our first son who is now almost four. Now he has announced that he wants another baby. We told him to ask God since we're already doing our part! Without the openness to each other and to new life that NFP has engendered in us, we might have stopped at two or three and we never would have known the joys of our little ones who add so immeasurably to our lives. Chris & Teresa: Overall, NFP has given us self-confidence, wisdom, knowledge and intimacy that grows more and more through the years. We have learned to be grateful to our loving God who blesses us with the awesome power to create life. We believe that children are the natural blessings of our love for one another. We are always open to children. In Humanae Vitae we are called to be generous. When we have to wait to have another child or can no longer have children, there is a real sadness. Gene & Mary: Our relationship has increased in intimacy by using NFP. We communicate openly about our sexual relationship on a regular basis. Because of this communication and because we have realized the importance of giving each other physical pleasure, often in creative ways, no matter what time of month it is, our sexual relationship has become more fulfilling. Using NFP has also increased the level of appreciation that we have for the gift of lovemaking. In addition, we know that by using NFP we have not erected any unnatural barriers to conceiving if this is in God's plan. This knowledge has strengthened our trust and willingness to allow God's will for us to guide our lives. Mark & Kathi: Since we started using NFP we have been much closer and more open with each other. I (Kathi) feel a strong sense of freedom in our sexual relationship that affects our everyday lives. I think we are more spontaneous now than we ever have been. We would never go back to using anything else. Stephen & Terri: Looking back, we see that we made several "correct" decisions in our relationship without really knowing at the time that they were the right ones. NFP was one such decision. Neither one of us were interested in artificial birth control. Stephen has concerns about side effects and the lack of long term information available on side effects. Terri wanted to follow the teaching of the Catholic Church. Cost would have been an issue. NFP put responsibility for birth regulation into our hands. We made choices together as a couple about whether or not to make love. When Terri and I have talked to couples who have used birth control other than NFP all of them admit to a sense of protecting themselves from the other. Their lovemaking was more and more taken for granted. The two of us have had to wait for time in each cycle. This always created a sense of urgency about the physical part of lovemaking. Matrimony: Thank you for taking the time to share yourselves. We hope that your efforts will challenge couples to see the area of NFP as an area that can lead to greater trust and intimacy in our marriages.
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