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Is Harmony the Goal?

Author Unknown

(Excerpted from Winter 1995 Volume 9, Issue 4 Matrimony magazine)

We have committed to working toward unity in our relationship. But what does that mean? Is harmony and peace in the house good enough? Are we saying we want to look the same and act the same as each other -- that is each of us giving up our identity?

Here are some reflections and five areas to look at in our journey towards unity.

Picture what increased unity will look like and feel like. It's not being the same as each other, but being as one in our life together. We learn to pray together, to share the secrets of our hearts, to make decisions together, to be open enough with each other to confront difficult issues, to be constantly aware of the other even when we not physically together. We should dialogue, pray and make love every day as a celebration of our sacrament!

If we are continually reevaluating our lifestyle, then a good part of the time our household will not be in "harmony". We will be in a state of change. Change requires risk-taking.

Why did we get married, and what makes us different than just being roommates or brother and sister? We were crazy about each other and couldn't get enough of each other! Remember what that passion was like? Now, years later, has time and routine worn us down and taken that spark of electricity that we used to have with each other? We gained the tools on our Weekend to get those feelings back. Do we make the most of them?

Our sacrament is a constant call to be more than "established". God wants the fire of passion to flare up in us and He wants it to be visible to others! But we have to fan the flames.

When we hear the challenges of the Weekend and the challenges of couples in our community, we need to take those to heart and apply them in our lives. When we are presented with relationship challenges meant to move us toward unity, and we hear ourselves saying "Maybe it's like that for you, but that's not me," it's time to dialogue on that very topic and get to the root of our resistance.

It's time to stop settling for "good enough" and start working toward God's plan for us. He wants so much more for us than we can even imagine. Because of our Weekend, we have already reached new levels of trust and intimacy. Our dreams for our marriage are more attainable than they used to be. And it's exciting to think that God has so much more in store for us than we even dreamed, if we are just alert to His calling and willing to work hard.

Harmony and peace in the house are a whole lot better than constant bickering and destructive fighting. But fear of rocking the boat can lead us to accept each other's poor choices without comment. For the sake of "keeping the peace", we begin to accept behavior that is unacceptable. Over time, we find that we compromise our beliefs in the interest of feeling comfortable. We react to our feelings, instead of making decisions based on our values. We become "nice".

But God calls us to so much more.

Areas to Consider

1. Unity. Where are you not "as one"? Look at the areas of sex, parenting, time management, recreation choices, employment decisions, household finances, relationships with in-laws and extended family, religion, and spiritual development for starters. Come up with your own custom dialogue series on the areas of difficulty and disunity. Talk together about changes you can make to be together more and to be more united, especially in sensitive areas.

2. Confrontation. Are you willing to confront your spouse when you see a problem? Are you willing to openly admit your part of the problem? Are you confronting for the right reasons - to improve your relationship and family life? Remember, confronting is not attacking. Pray together, voice your concerns, listen to each other, share your feelings, and make a mutually-satisfying decision - not a compromise - together.

3. Fighting. Fight to clear the air when your relationship needs to be jump-started. When you're grinding through the days in an atmosphere of "everything is just OK", think honestly about why things aren't GREAT. It should be great because God has given you a tremendous gift in your relationship. Work at staying away from blame, but confront each other about the areas that are leaving you in the doldrums. If you fight, be constructive, instead of hurtful. Limit your comments to the issue and your own feelings. Don't forget that if you fight to win, you wind up married to a loser.

4. Decision to love. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our relationship is to put the problem aside and love each other right now. When a problem or a fight seems to be a dead-end, surprise your spouse by reaching out for a hug. Ask what he or she needs right now to feel loved-and then do it for the sake of your relationship. Agree on a time to come back to the problem later.

5. Forgiveness. Heal with each other after a fight. Ask each other's forgiveness and re-affirm your love for each other. This is an important, responsibility for each of us. Don't count and measure who asked for forgiveness last time or who is more to blame. Jesus tells us to forgive - not to forgive if it's our turn or if the other person deserves it He gave us the example of forgiveness even at the crucifixion. What' if you insist on waiting for the other person to take the first step and it never happens? Don't get caught in the trap of "giving each other space”, Translated into plain language, this cliché really means "we are learning to live without each other”

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