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Retrouvaille - Help For Hurting Marriages

Ronald Perron

(Excerpted from Winter 1994 Matrimony magazine)

The annual Retrouvaille International convention was held in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Oct. 1st, 2nd & 3rd, 1993. Attending were 90 couples and 22 priests.

Guest speaker, Michael J. McManus, is the author of the new book, "Marriage Savers: Helping your Friends and Family Stay Married".

Mr. McManus writes a syndicated column, "Ethics and Religion", that appears in more than 100 newspapers. He is a radio commentator on "Family News in Focus". He spoke on the role of the church with regard to marriage and that the Catholic Church does a better job than any other denomination in preparing couples for marriage and keeping marriages intact. The statistics he cited were alarming -- based on interviews with 13,000 people, couples who live together increase their odds of divorce by 50 percent. The worst thing a couple can do is live together in a trial marriage. He also stated that part of the problem is that the clergy doesn't preach on topics such as chastity and sin anymore. Mr. McManus reports the success of the Retrouvaille experience which is in over 60 Catholic dioceses. Half of the 2,400 couples who participated in Retrouvaille in 1992 were separated or divorced, but 80% are rebuilding their marriages.

Retrouvaille is an outgrowth of Marriage Encounter. The weekend is presented by a priest and 3 couples who share stories on the near failure of their marriages. The 6 or 12 week follow up program is vitally important to the success of the Retrouvaille experience.

Retrouvaille can help if you are thinking of divorce, or you are separated but want to try again, or your marriage has become cold, distant and unloving and you feel disappointment, or even despair. The program offers couples the chance to rediscover themselves, their spouse, and a loving relationship in their marriage.

Retrouvaille is needed because 62% of first marriages end in divorce. This rate appears to apply to Catholic marriages as well as the general public. For the 1987 Synod on the Church and Family, American Catholics were asked, "Where do you most find God in your lives?" Almost all American Catholics said, "In my marriage and in my family." Retrouvaille is one response that shows the Roman Catholic Church, as a family of God, cares about couples whose marriages are hurting.

As one couple said, "Marriage Encounter saved our marriage, but Retrouvaille healed our marriage."

For further information on Retrouvaille, contact your Catholic diocese or Father Joe Gietl 713-328-4872 or Roger & Pat Bate 713-455-2027 who serve as the International Coordinating Team of Retrouvaille International.

eMatrimony editor note: For a current contact for Retrouvaille click on this link:

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Help for Hurting Marriages

by Ronald Perron
(Excerpted from Winter 1994 Matrimony magazine)

Sally & Tom had come to the end of their rope. The communication they once had was rapidly disappearing, and their marriage had deteriorated to the point where they talked openly of divorce. Both knew they didn't want the relationship they now had, but they were at a loss as to how to make it better.

Then one Sunday after Mass, they saw a lone brochure laying on a table. It was the same table that had always been in the church foyer, but this time it had only one brochure on it.

The brochure outlined a program called RetrouvaiIIe, a Catholic sponsored program for couples in troubled marriages. Drawn to the table, Sally picked up the brochure and put it in her pocket. Later as she read it, she thought that maybe, just maybe, Retrouvaille could help Tom and her.

Sally called the next day eager to find out more about Retrouvaille before discussing it with Tom. A false start now could be disastrous for their marriage. The sympathetic voice on the other end of the line told Sally that she and Tom would need to willingly devote one weekend of intensive work toward bettering their marriage.

During that weekend Sally & Tom, and other couples like them would hear talks on improving communication skills, learn more about themselves as individuals and learn how to once again think of themselves as "us" rather than "me" and " you". Sally learned that Retrouvaille was not a spiritual retreat; it wasn't a seminar; it wasn't a sensitivity group or a social gathering. Retrouvaille is a private and personal experience designed to enrich knowledge of self and let each participant rediscover the real person he or she is married to. It also gives couples a chance to reflect on the strengths and difficulties of their relationship.

Retrouvaille, the French word means rediscovery, started in 1977 in Canada as a French- language program for couples with marital problems. It was brought to the United States in 1982 and is now offered in Mexico, Trinidad and Tobago, the Philippines and Australia. It is an all volunteer effort and is usually conducted under the sponsorship of the diocesan office of family life or similar organization. Pat and Roger Bate of Houston Were named the international coordinating team of Retrouvaille last fall, along with Father Joseph Gietl, pastor of Sacred Heard Church in Crosby, Texas, and chaplain of Our lady of Fatima Council 3229 in Crosby.

Retrouvaille is a Catholic sponsored program, but couples of other faiths may participate. The program places heavy emphasis on the sacramental nature of marriage and the importance of God in the marriage relationship.

Throughout the Retrouvaille weekend, team couples and a priest talk with participating couples about trust, forgiveness and healing, the uniqueness of self, the value of meaningful communication, and other important aspects of the marital relationship. The team couples, prior graduates of Retrouvaille, have all suffered the pain, heartbreak, conflict and disillusionment of a troubled relationship. They share personal stories of how they came to Retrouvaille, how they were able to grow in personal understanding, and how they returned to a healthy relationship.

After each presentation, participating couples reflect on how they feel about the subject under discussion. They are then asked to express those feelings privately in writing and verbally with their spouses This technique, called "dialogue" is the heart of the Retrouvaille weekend.

Husbands and wives are encouraged to openly share with their partner their innermost feelings on value systems, personhood, sexuality, friendships, family and all the important aspects of the relationship. This is done in letters the husband and wife write to each other. Each spouse reads the letters twice -- once with the eye and a second time with the heart. The couples then discuss the letters with each other in privacy.

Dialoguing is key to a successful Retrouvaille experience. Prior to the weekend, it may have been difficult for the husband and wife to communicate with each other on an emotional level. By putting their feelings in writing, however, and reading them without passing judgment, positive change is facilitated. Husbands and wives who once barely spoke to one another are, by the end of the weekend, opening up to each other again on levels that would have seemed impossible only a few days earlier.

This doesn't happen automatically. During the first part of the weekend, the team couples and priest describe how difficult it is to open up and how important it is to let go of the past, invite God into a relationship and make a commitment to their future as a couple. Couples are also told that Retrouvaille will work only if they are willing and ready to make that commitment. For many couples, especially those who genuinely commit to opening up and sharing, it is another opportunity to rediscover their partner's special and unique qualities.

The team couples warn participants that the Retrouvaille weekend and its several follow-up sessions are only the beginning. One weekend, no matter how informative and beneficial cannot fully heal a hurting marriage. If it took time for the relationship to fall into disrepair, then it will take time for it to be fixed. Participants are given information in the presentations and the technique of dialoguing only as tools. It is up to them to continuo using those tools each day to strengthen their relationship. The program's follow-up sessions, conducted by the team couples and priest, focus on establishing a support group to help the couples continue their commitment to healing.

Retrouvaille couples have a saying "Try Retrouvaille for three months, if you don't like the progress you've made, we'll give you back your old relationship." There are very few takers.

Ronald Perron is a free-lance writer from Glen Burnie, Maryland and a graduate of the Retrouvaille program.

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