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Give, Don't Give In!

Tom & Karen Barron

(Excerpted from Fall 1990 Matrimony magazine)

Have you ever wondered why there is so much conflict in marriages? Why does it seem so difficult to agree sometimes, and so easy to disagree, even about little things? You want your family to work together as volunteers at a shelter for the homeless, but your children think the idea is too weird for words and your wife complains that everyone in the family is already overcommitted. Or your husband complains about the amount of time that you spend with your friends, but when you're at home, he's too busy to sit and talk with you.

One clue to these sorts of conflict lies in the area of ideals and values. Values and ideals are very similar – they are both beliefs in the importance of something. Their difference lies in the effect they have on our behavior. An ideal is something I recognize as good and that I want in my life in the future. A value is something I recognize as good that I choose to make real in my life now. I am willing to make changes and sacrifices to incorporate that value into my life.

I may think it would be a good idea to spend more time with my family, but if I never take action to make the time and spend it with them, that thought remains an ideal. It becomes a value when I actually spend time with them. Making this choice may involve some sacrifice. I may not get to play golf on Saturday or I may have to take a vacation day from work to make it happen. Ideals affect our thoughts and feelings, but not our behavior. Values affect our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. As you examine your own values and ideals, often some of them rank higher than others. As we grow or as circumstances change, our ranking of values relative to each other may fluctuate.

So what does all this have to do with conflict? My wife and I have suffered through a lot of conflict over finances in our relationship. We both think it's important to save money. We have trouble, however, finding money in the budget that can be saved. I've decided saving money is important enough that I am prepared to sacrifice some of my expenditures or get a second job to make money available for saving. For me, saving money is a value. I am willing to take action to make it happen. For Karen, saving money is an ideal -- it seems like a good idea, but right now our money has to go for so many other important things. She is not prepared to find ways to make a savings account a reality.

Until we developed an understanding of the difference between values and ideals, discussing our finances caused us a lot of pain. I blamed Karen for our lack of savings. If she would just do what was necessary, we'd be able to save money without any problem. Karen felt frustrated and pushed to do the impossible. Our funds were committed to obligations we both had agreed were important.

There are many ways my value structure (the prioritized list of values and ideals in my head) can differ from that of my spouse.

1. A value for me may be an ideal for my spouse. The above example about our finances demonstrates this.

2. We may share a value, but each ranks it differently in our list of priorities. He gets up early because he sees-the value in daily morning exercise. She walks for exercise - on days when it's convenient.

3. A shared ideal can become a value for one partner. A wife decides to prepare simpler foods for environmental and health reasons. While her husband thinks this is an admirable idea, he does not wish to make similar changes.

4. Values can move back into the realm of ideals. A new father spends a lot of time with baby. The newness wears off; job pressures increase and less time is spent with the child.

Differences in our values and ideals can cause conflict. What can we do to deal with the conflict in a loving and healthy way? A conflict-resolution and decision-making process called consensus can make a positive difference.

Here are the steps:

1. Through honest and open discussion, the individuals work backward until they reach a solid ground of full mutual agreement. This may be pretty far back. It may be something as basic as ''We love each other and are committed to working out our problems rather than ending our relationship." This solid ground of agreement will be different for everyone, and it will be different for the same people at different times.

2. From the solid ground of agreement, the couple works forward through discussion of facts, and each other's thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires.

3. Each suggests possible solutions. The other responds.

4. The couple makes a mutual decision to love by selecting the solution/option that most favors the relationship and both individuals.

5. By an act of will, both individuals accept full responsibility for the final decision.

This is a process and takes time. Most of our deep conflicts took years to get to where they are now. Don't expect to solve them instantly. You may also find that a change in circumstances resurrects the dragon you thought you had slain. Once we arrive at consensus in one area of our life, we often see another area that needs work.

Consensus is not the same as compromise. Compromise is what happens when concessions are made by both parties with an effort to meet in the middle. Often neither is truly satisfied and may blame the other for taking away what he or she wanted. In compromise the responsibility that each party takes for making the solution work is contingent on the other party “toeing the line”. In a compromise decision, I might say to myself, if she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain, then I'm free to do whatever I want.

Consensus is a process that takes place between friends who regard themselves as allies and the problem or conflict as the enemy. Love is an integral part of the process. Two friends freely give up their own selfishness in the interest of the whole relationship. Nothing is taken away from anyone. Each accepts full responsibility for the resolution, which means that each partner's support of the solution is not contingent on the behavior of the other. Even if he doesn't do what he said he would. I'll do my part anyway.

Compromise is a 50-50 approach. Consensus is a 100-100 approach - each party accepting 100% responsibility for the decision through an act of will. Consensus can be helped by prayer and reliance on God. He has a plan for our relationships and will help us keep them healthy and strong. Invite God to be a part of your search for consensus.

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