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In Regards to Sex, Enjoy!

Fr. Chuck Gallagher

(Excerpted from Winter 1988 Matrimony magazine)

What should I talk to you about in regards to sex?

This question is another opportunity to open up the lines of communication when it comes to sex. We can't overdo this.

It is true that in a lot of marriages, husbands and wives just don't talk that much about sex. They'll talk about the latest report on the sexual conduct of the American male or the American female, or about the comment of some psychologist about sexual experience.

Sometimes it's just curiosity and a holier than thou type of attitude or a scandalized and at the same time envious discussion. Sometimes, too, they may talk about their own sexual relationship in terms of the amount of times it happened or a general evaluation we put on it like "it's not bad" or "it's getting better".

But real heart-to-heart deep communication like what it means to me, how I deceive you sexually, what goes on inside of me during our sexual experience, what I'm looking for, where I'm empty, etc., is rare. That type of conversation is likely to be rather rare even with good couples. It just makes us too vulnerable to get involved in.

We restrict our conversation along these lines because we're very, very afraid that we're going to hurt the other person or we're going to rock the boat and what we have, we're going to lose. We figure we've got to the level we're going to and it's not going to get any better no matter how much we talk about it, so we try to forget about it and not even think about it, much less bring it up in conversation. We figure we've talked it through and talked it through and nothing changes. Of course, when we say nothing changes, what we really mean is the other person hasn't changed the way we wanted him or her to change and so we shrug our shoulders and walk away from it, grit our teeth, and grin and bear it.

That's not the way we deal with money, that's not the way we handle the children. Sex is at least as important as money and the children and therefore it should be something that's at least as frequent a topic of conversation between spouses as those two topics. We need to talk things over with one another. If we don't talk things over there are going to be missed opportunities.

The fact of the matter is, if we're not talking on a regular basis about sex and we mean personal conversation about what's going on inside me, what am l experiencing of you sexually and what am I looking for and what am I trying to give myself sexually, then there's something essential missing in our marriage. It's as strong as that. We're not implying that you're ready for a divorce or we're not suggesting that you have a bad marriage. What we're saying is that there is a beautiful richness in your relationship that you're not mining to the fullest possible degree.

As a good rule of thumb, it is probably valid to say that sex in some depth should be a conversation between a husband and wife several times a week. We should be talking about what did it mean to me to be your sexual choice? How is sex with you affecting my day, my relationship with the kids, my attitude toward my job, my neighbors, my friends, my prayer life, my relationship to the church?

Those last two items may seem funny, but the fact of the matter is that sex is a God-given experience and it's not only supposed to lead us to a greater awareness of one another, but it's also supposed to lead us to a greater awareness of Him as the author of this gift. What do I mean to you sexually? When-are you most sexually attractive to me? What does it mean to desire you? What are the particular barriers in me that hold me back from you sexually? What's the greatest growth that we've had sexually in the last month? What's the most meaningful sexual experience we've had recently? When wasn't I really with you sexually recently? What caused that? What can I do about it? How can you help me?

Obviously, we can't be asking all of those questions all of the time. They're merely a list of possible questions we can look at and choose at appropriate moments. They are serious questions and they are essential for a couple who is sincere about building up an oneness in mind, heart and affection with love. Sex is not a separate part of marriage, it is an essential tool of communication that opens us and builds within us a willingness to let the other person be a full part of our lives.

Besides the serious and probing questions mentioned above, there are also the simple everyday types of things that should be passed between a husband and wife on a regular basis. Little teasing types of things, Iittle private jokes, questions that occur in my mind or confusions that I might have, or sudden insights or human awareness about our sexual experience. In short, sex should be a very open topic between us.

Our tragedy is that an awful lot of times husbands and wives, in the darkness of their bedroom will go through a magnificent sexual experience and they know at that time it was magnificent, but never relive it. How often do they talk about it again? One of the beautiful things about a husband-wife relationship is their memories and the way they can talk about things.

Too often, sex is a taboo topic and it just isn't brought up again. It's something they do and do very well and lovingly, but it just isn't to be talked about or if it is talked about, it's quickly gotten over with or it's almost ritualistic.

The simple answer to the question,”What should I talk to you about sex? Is “everything", anything that occurs to my mind and everything that I could think of that could possibly occur to your mind and it should be talked about frequently and lovingly and tenderly and seriously and sincerely and with a great eagerness to learn from one another and to try to discover how to please one another more.

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