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Focus on Focuses

Mike & Heather Szilard

Heather: As a kid, the first day of school always brought several nights of lying in bed thinking and anticipating the drastic change from summertime freedom to the rigid schedule of school. I remember knowing I needed to get to sleep, but being unable to turn my mind off. Later in my life, it didn't get any easier to begin something new. Induction Day at the Naval Academy produced for me an amazing amount of anxiety. I flew from my home in northern California to Baltimore, Maryland alone. I got on a bus full of other soon-to-be Plebes who were arriving a day early, alone, without parents or siblings, to begin a new chapter in our lives. I felt so small, so alone and so vulnerable. My overwhelmed feeling was like being a child in a large group of adults. Everyone around me knows what to do and what is going on, while I stand there...an island, alone in my uncertainty.

Mike: I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I think I was 3 or 4...when I first jumped off the roof into the pool. I was about 10 when my dad bought me a dirt bike. I learned to ride it in a vacant lot we used for jumping our bicycles. After a few lessons I went for a ride with my sister and her boyfriend at one of the best off highway areas near Los Angeles. I was so new to it, I didn't know what I couldn't do...which meant I was fully capable of everything they were doing through pure ignorance. In both cases I was scared to death...but had the support I needed to get through it. Now I've taken running leaps off the 10 meter high dive and commute to work on a motorcycle.

Heather: How did you feel the first time you did something new? The first day on a new job? For me, starting something new, or doing something for the first time is nerve wracking. I like things that are familiar to me. I enjoy knowing how to do something so I can do it well. I do NOT like the anxiety, sweaty palms, and butterflies in my stomach that accompany doing something new.

Mike: It took some time before we were ready and willing to attempt our first focus. We had a million questions. How do you choose a topic? How do you write a question? What should we talk about? How long should it be? What is the perfect focus, and how do we know what to say? The answer to all of these questions actually is quite simple: talk about whatever inspires you, for as long or as little as you'd like. There is no perfect way to write or present a focus. Each and every couple adds their own unique touch. If we all followed a formula to write our focuses, we would stagnate, and have cookie cutter talks. Thank goodness we are all individuals!

Sometimes we hear a song on the radio and it inspires us to write a focus. Sometimes we have an idea and write a focus based on that thought. Sometimes we find a question and base it off of that. Other times we just write and later wonder what the whole point of our musings is, and what question we can fashion to fit what we have. Mostly, we just listen to our hearts, and the quiet whisperings that is the Holy Spirit within us.

Heather: Writing a focus is a beautiful process for Mike and me. It's a time to share, to reflect, to laugh and have fun. I always get nervous before we present our focus, and wonder how it will affect each of you, or if it will have any effect at all. I wonder if it will be a pivotal event in a marriage, or if it will simply be another dialogue day checked off the list. There is no doubt in my mind that writing and presenting a focus is a loving task. I look at it as our gift to each of you, as well as a gift to ourselves. We always learn a bit more about each other each time we write, and I love exploring our marriage in this way. Some days I just don't think I have a focus in me, but then I see it touching one or more of you, I know all the anxiety, time and sweaty palms were well worth it.

Dialogue/Sharing Question: What are my barriers to writing and presenting a focus? HDIFSMAWY? (How Do I Feel Sharing My Answer With You?)

(EDITORS NOTE: We ask permission of the authors of material we place on eMatrimony. When we requested permission to post this article, I included the question below. The response was so interesting I thought it should be included with the article. Read and enjoy.)

Dear Mike & Heather,

The term “Focus” is not one I am familiar with. In our travels around the country we have belonged to Share Groups, Love Circles, Spirals and heard of groups referred to WEDS groups or Spirit groups. Is a Focus a similar group in which WWME couples and priests gather, share prayer, a presentation, dialogue and open sharing? Is the Focus a small group (5-8 couples) or a gathering of small groups in your area?

Dear Jack & Karen,

In the San Diego area, our groups are called Community. We have several Communities within the county: North County Community, Beach Community, South Bay Community, East County Community, etc. Our East County Community meets twice monthly. We have a hosting couple (where the meeting is held) and a Focus couple (the couple who gives a presentation, the dialogue question and a sharing question). So our Community is where WWME couples and priests gather, share prayer, a presentation (the "focus" of the evening) etc, and the focus is simply the presentation. Boy, that's a bit repetitive, but you get the picture (I hope!). We typically have 8-12 couples on any given community night, although we had 20 couples one evening in our home.

A little background on how our article came to be...

We have our community evening on Friday night. Wednesday night, we received a call from our zone coordinators (the couple who coordinates our community) asking if we would be willing to give a focus Friday night. We agreed to fill in, and since it was late, decided to write our focus Thursday evening and call it a night. Little did we know that we would spend just over 8 hours in the ER with our 6 year old daughter on Thursday. In a freak accident, she swallowed a rather large rock. We were given all sorts of instructions on signs to watch for, and spent most of Friday on pins and needles watching her like a hawk. By Friday afternoon, we determined that she was stable and not likely to require a second ER trip, so we finally settled down to write the focus for the evening. We had a rough idea for a focus from Wednesday night (we brainstormed a little, but didn't write anything down). We kicked that idea around but were having the toughest time finding the right mind set to actually write. Finally, we had an inspiration, and this presentation came into being...and was finished and printed 10 minutes before we left for community. We knew we had several new couples who were struggling with the idea of giving a focus, so we decided to open it up, plant the seeds and see where it led. It was truly a focus guided and inspired by the Holy Spirit.

A side note here...our daughter is fine. Against all odds, she digested the rock. We had 4 x-rays that showed the rock stuck in the same area, and then the 5th x-ray, the rock was gone...replaced by tiny shards of what used to be the rock. Even the pediatric GI specialist was floored. No one expected it to simply break down and pass nearly 6 weeks after she swallowed it.

Love and hugs,
Mike & Heather

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