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Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones?
Mickey & Merlyn Brendish
(Excerpted from 1981
July-August Worldwide Family Spirit magazine)
What do you see along a rocky path, as you try to climb up a mountain?
Stumbling blocks or stepping stones? It is the point of view that
counts!!
-We all meet with problems along life's journey. How we face them
makes the difference.
-One man gives up. Another perseveres. . and armed with new knowledge
born of trying, finds the way to succeed.
-Remember: A lot of small steps will sometimes get us where we need
to go, faster than a few big steps.
-We think that we have arrived; we are always on the road to Becoming.
The danger zone is when:
-We think that we have arrived, reached the goal. Or, when
-The pain or failure is so great that we cannot pick ourselves up.
Pressures We Live With:
Daily we have to live with very real pressures, first of all from
the world:
-Money: not enough money; inflation; job security; self –employed
materialism and social status; both spouses working, night work,
travels. One spouse having two jobs, or living far away from work.
Can we afford more kids?
-Children: Children want to be independent. Demands: friends, parties,
clothes, schoolmates, drugs, sex.
-The Media; Movies, radio/music, books, magazines.
-Relatives and Friends: Being labeled "fanatics" as we
try to live out our Weekend.
-Involvement with Marriage Encounter and/or Church: Marriage Encounter
expectations; Parish vs. Encounter; going from meeting to meeting.
-Time: Not enough time to live our life. How to divide our time
between so many things: job, children, home, other interests.
These are areas of external pressures, but what gets in our way
most are our attitudes and our reaction to the pressures we experience
within ourselves.
-Lack of Trust: I don't trust you all that much. I doubt that you
love me all that much.
-Superiority; I don't believe I'm enough for you. I don't think
I live up to the expectations I assume you have of me.
-Control: I don't let you love me. I am more willing to form you,
than to allow you to form me. It's my body. Lack of moderation in
eating, drinking, smoking, sex.
-Self-Fulfillment; I must find fulfillment in life; roles, masks.
. . I am "me": my growth is important, and you must accept
that.
These pressures within cause us to withdraw within ourselves. They
separate us and this brings isolation, loneliness and pain, because
these are attitudes and judgments which we make about self, spouse,
our relationships.
An Evaluation
The first thing, if we want not stumbling blocks but stepping stones,
is to make a sincere and, as far as possible, complete evaluation
of those pressures that we actually meet. Hence the questions:
1. What was the first thing, the first negative experience, that
began to tear at our "Dream" of the Weekend?
2. What is the greatest pressure that has affected us/me since the
Weekend?
3. Which pressure in me is most affecting my dream for us today?
4. When I realize that my attitudes and judgments have caused pain
and isolation in our relationship, what goes on inside of me?
Different From Each Other
However united we are and want to be as a couple, we are different
from each other, with different approaches to living.
This is in itself a pressure,-the pulling back, the loneliness
and fear, the self-doubt that may arise from those differences.
And often when we don't acknowledge or accept these differences
or understand their effects, the result is confusion and still more
doubt.
We need lo realize and recognize that each person has a predominant
strength. If we can recognize each other's strengths, it helps us
to interact more lovingly-never competing with each other, rather
complementing, never being "superior" as there's no such
thing as passing or failing.
The challenge is to see the opportunities that our marriage presents
to us and to use them as steps and not blocks.
We must accept that we shall never reach perfection here on earth.
We do fall, and it is all right to fall-everybody fails now and
then-it is part of our humanness. Our hope is in getting up and
continuing and still saying, "Yes." We have the ability
to forgive ourselves and pick ourselves up each time we fail. We
can go on from there, we can learn from it, experience growth from
it. Perhaps we have learned a little more, but we still offer ourselves
incomplete but hopeful; it is in getting up and continuing on, that
our beauty lies. We will go on; we will not drop into despair or
pessimism, or a less than full life.
If you want to take up this challenge, you must, first,
Look into the pressures that surround you. . . the areas of confrontation.
. the areas of discontent with each other. . the areas difficult
to talk about.
And then, do ask yourselves: How do I see myself?. . . How does
the way I see myself make it difficult for me to reach out more
in this area?
The progress of becoming means taking things in your stride as
they come-dealing with them as they arise. There are challenges
that come our way all the time, and that help us to be who we are
now.
Challenge To Be "Two In One Flesh"
The greatest and ultimate challenge for couples is the challenge
to be "two in one flesh"-to be so close as to become one
person, so that each person is a sign of the relationship of Christ
with the Church. We are not only called to intimacy; we are called
to be a Sacrament, a sacred sign; and to achieve this, we must give
totally of ourselves, and fully accept our spouse.
The Modern World View
But even here the modern view of intimacy is a great pressure:
-"Intimacy for men equals sex";
-"Intimacy for women equals romance";
-"Fulfillment means independence and doing one's own thing";
-"Men are quiet and unfeeling";
-"Women talk more easily to women";
-"Intimacy varies at dating time, early marriage, older marriage";
-"We must not be too close";
-"Children are the center of a home."
Scripture Calls Us to Intimacy
Against the "sayings" of this world, here is the Word
of God Himself:
-"That they may be One as You, Father, in Me and I in You;
that they may be One in Us so that the world may believe";
-"By this will men know that you are my disciples, if you love
one another";
-"A man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife,
and the two shall become one";
-"God is Love; where there is love, there is God. ."
Another Evaluation
Having already evaluated the negative pressures we have to face,
it is necessary now to evaluate the positive elements which are
present in us and in our relationship-but which we risk to leave
fruitless if we do not acknowledge them clearly. . . This second
"evaluation" is thus meant to encourage us and spur us
on to actual growth.
1. What are my strengths? What are your strengths? (Exchange and
read each other's answers.)
2. How are these strengths expressed: when things are going well?
- in the event of conflict or opposition?
3. What strength does each of you use in an argument?
4. What changes do you undergo in an uncomfortable situation? How
does this affect your spouse?
5. Where do you show the least amount of strength? What effect does
this have?
6. What have you recognized about your spouse that you had not been
so sharply aware of?
7. Where can you alter your behavior to be more sensitive to him/her?
8. In what area have we grown from our past failure? How so I feel
about me answer?
9. What do you do to love each other more? What more can you do?
10. Some elements of intimacy are physical closeness, equality,
listening, openness, confidence, unselfish giving, and self-disclosure.
How many of these elements are present in our relationship? How
do I feel about my answer?
11. What is of value in our lives? What is really important to us
in our relationship?
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