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Whose Modern World Are You Living In?

Charlie & Fran Dobrowolski

(Excerpted from 1981 July-August Worldwide Family Spirit magazine)

Today's society, our modern world, is setting its goals of our marriage. Why aren't we setting up our own ideals for our own marriage? What happened to the dreams and romantic ideas we had when we were dating? Whose reality do we live-ours or the modern world's?

Our family album tells a lot about us and the kind of couple we've become. There are bundles of pictures of us during our engagement, honeymoon and first years of marriage: arm in arm, beaming at and into one another, joy and fulfillment spilling out of us. Crazy pictures where we can recall the fun and teasing that went on before and the tender lovemaking and affection after. Sure, there are the scenery shots of our navels, but one of us, if not both, is in most of them. One thing about all those pictures: they reek of romance and remind us of that wild panic and desire we had to capture visually for all time our great love affair.

Enter, our children
Then we go on to our happy and content life together where there are piles of pictures of the kids, with maybe one of us holding the smallest, all kinds of scenery shots and group pictures, and then a picture of us-matron and patron-on every fourth or fifth page. Some of those are even token shots: us and our new car, us and our new home, etc.

In installments, we bought into the modern world. Our down payment was our great love affair: compromise our 24-hour obsession with one another. It's all done in the name of goodness and with the best intentions. Little by little, we rationalized our way into a life of living in harmony together where we don't step on one another's toes, where we "please" one another. And it's not such a bad life. In fact, it's very comfortable at times. But it's not a living out of or even a close realization of the ideals we hungered for in our romance.

All too often, we hear others say and are guilty of saying ourselves ". . the modern world is crowding us-the modern world is pressuring us" as though the modern world were some huge boogie-man lurking outside our doors. The fact is that the modern world lives inside each of us: it's a philosophy of married life that each of us absorbed from childhood and continues to support in varying degrees, if only by our silence. How many times do we just smile when we hear somebody say that it was so easy to be romantic when we were first married we didn't have the responsibilities we have now. Or, "You can't live on love alone!" We still buy that and believe it. At least, we rarely fight it.

Enter. the disillusionment
We know from continual experience that living out our modern world mentality in marriage leads us to a life of disillusionment. Not necessarily the haunting loneliness and pain we once knew, but still the dullness of our love, boredom of our life, and taking each other for granted. The tragedy is that we base our life-style on our feelings of disillusionment, allowing our feelings to dominate our decisions or lack of decisions.

For instance, when he's putting most of his energy and time into his job, she soon learns that he won't fulfill her. Her feelings of boredom and emptiness can determine her decisions. So she looks outside their relationship for her fulfillment: the kids, more education, a job or career. It's a good way to get along and not bug one another.

Getting along well, being compatible and "happy" is at the root of our being married singles. It's not only the selfish, self-centered things we do that erode us, it's the kind, considerate, responsible ways we are with one another that cause us to settle for being "the way we are." How can he ever complain about her being run down and falling asleep early on him when she's poured herself on the kids, helped out some neighbors, and kept the house in tip-top condition all day? She's such a good and justifies her not being involved with him. He excuses her by saying that that's the kind of person she is and he'd never think of asking her to change.

Enter, the married single spouse
More so than ever, married singleness is rampant in our society. It's impossible to not be a married single in some way. Think about the current themes in all facets of our society. Self fulfillment is "the thing." Advertising, schooling, legislation, even pre-cana programs tell wives that they can't expect their husbands to fulfill them. A wife can't be expected to be the lovey-dovey homemaker of days gone by. That's not enough-her husband isn't enough anymore. Women are liberated now. They need other outlets.

Not only that, but wives have certain "rights," just as husbands do. A "right" to self-identify and that's definitely not as "wife" or "husband." The whole thing about individual rights in marriage confuses and angers us. Quite frankly, we don't have any idea what rights are "his" and "hers." Things like the right to privacy or time alone, the right to pursue a full realization of talents and capabilities, the right of a wife to determine the fate of her life-bearing gifts. Why can't we just be honest and call ourselves married singles? At least then we're faced with the decision of attempting to change our lifestyle. It's not that there's anything evil or, bad about being a married single, but it's not a living out of our ideals and not the way we dreamed of living married life together. Are we any different from any good married couple?

There was a time when Catholic couples stood out and were easily identified: "They must be Catholics they've got five kids!" The remarks were often snide and perhaps embarrassed us to hear, but we don't even have that identity anymore. We hear things like how selfish and irresponsible couples are who have more than two or three children with the world food shortage and crowded living conditions, and we remain silent.

Perhaps we don't quote the zero population line, but we still determine the size of our families according to how well we can afford children. Provide for their education (four years of college is basic now!) and whether or not our life will be as comfortable with more children. How often do we say that we're in love and are willing to trust in God's will and that we believe our great love for one another is enough on which to raise more children?

Enter, the different couple
As Catholic couples, we're called to be different from other married couples. Not superior to, but different from. No other religion calls a married couple to be total in their love; permanent and exclusive. That's just one of the reasons why being Catholic is so attractive to us. There's an echo of the ideals we started with: to be one, united, "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh."

The cynics will say, "Sure-but you better go live in the woods or on an island." No, we're asked to be "in the world, but not of the world." Instead of letting our feelings of disillusionment set our lifestyle of married singles, we can decide to change towards living a more sacramental lifestyle. And that's not based on feelings. A sacramental lifestyle requires decisions and sacrifices, living out our principles and ideals. In short, our wedded life is to be based on decisions.

"The gentle tone in my voice was there because of my beloved. Heads turned and eyes sparkled because you lived in me. I was at my best because of' you."

The most concrete, lasting, and best decisions we've made have been when we're in a romantic state together. Not just an interlude or moment of romance but a built-up longing and receptivity to one another. Although we may not be conscious of it at the time, isn't this romance the result of lots of effort and decision after decision to work myself up for you? Why are we at such a loss for having a strong sense of romance in our married life? "It's a shame we don't have more time for romance." "We should be more romantic, but. . . "

We say that romance is a gift from God to perpetuate our love for one another, but do we really believe that? All too often romance is a "thing" that we use on occasions. That dinner for two gave us a way to escape momentarily the familiar feelings of disillusionment, but my motivation was to relieve my feelings and not really center my being on you. Romance was for me, not you.

We often expect occasions of romance to produce magical results, and when our expectations fall flat, we're disillusioned with romance and ourselves as romantic beings

Enter, you and me
When we think of romance as a tenderizing process, memories are vivid and present. The flashbacks may be as close as an hour ago or as far away as a year ago. Our minds are actively involved with thoughts of specific acts of love: those times when we worked darn hard to overcome distractions that could separate us, or maybe the days we were determined to make this the greatest day of our lives.

I knew how much you yearned to love me, and how you recognized the need in me to love you. My beloved was a part of my actions all through the day. Whatever I did was done for us. The gentle tone in my voice was there because of my beloved. I listened so intently because of my beloved. Heads turned and eyes sparkled because you lived in me. I was at my best because of you. Is it any wonder that we longed to come together that day?

This is the kind of romance that personally starts us on our way to being different from other married couples. We become confident in ourselves as dreamers and lovers, and more able to deal with our married singles disillusionment. The challenge for us is to make and keep romance a continual part of our life, building day after day into that incredible 24-hour obsession with one another.

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